wow... It's been a good few days, hasn't it. Sorry about that.
It still hasn't hit me fully that I'm home for good, just crept up on me slowly... I think it's helping that my friends are all keeping me sane (thank you for that).
I started taking a calc class last week, so between that and work I haven't had much me/thinking time.
Not to mention, some of my attention has been adverted towards trying to charm a boy... whom just texted me. He's feeling sick (hey, something him and I have in common... oops, maybe we shouldn't have stayed up late last night texting. heh), etc.
So yes, long story short, I'm trying to get my life on some type of a track.. and I'm missing how carefree and wonderful it was at school compared to now.
But... I'm surviving, which is the nice thing... and for anyone who is visiting from fanfiction.net, I promise I will get the next chapter up soon!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
As the numbness washes over
Well... I did it. We moved all of my stuff out of my dorm today, back home.
I don't know what to think, how to handle it... anything.
I'm just kind of here.
Numb.
Most of the stuff's unpacked and positioned in my room (minus some posters and photos), so I'm just waiting for the moment to come.
You know... when I just snap.
I'll let you know what happens then... for now, I feel kinda dead.
Zoned.
And really tired.
I guess that's what happens when you've spent the past 12 hours packing and unpacking. Right?
:-\
I don't know what to think, how to handle it... anything.
I'm just kind of here.
Numb.
Most of the stuff's unpacked and positioned in my room (minus some posters and photos), so I'm just waiting for the moment to come.
You know... when I just snap.
I'll let you know what happens then... for now, I feel kinda dead.
Zoned.
And really tired.
I guess that's what happens when you've spent the past 12 hours packing and unpacking. Right?
:-\
Friday, January 2, 2009
I like watching the puddles gather rain
except it's not raining. It did snow a tad today, however. But that won't form puddles. Only snow piles.
Puddles are interesting, starting from one tiny drop and becoming this massive thing of water that gets you soaked when you step in it. The way the drop splashes is pretty interesting/impressive too. I watched a Disney special once, on one of the cartoons (I want to say Mulan or Beauty & the Beast), and they were saying how they studied the way a drop splashes into water to make the drawings in the movie more realistic (pretty sure that was Mulan now...)
You have to admit, that looks pretty awesome, right? (I found that randomly online, trust me. I'm not that cool).
I guess I'm just feeling a bit pensive right now, thinking about raindrops and whatnot. We were playing Guitar Hero earlier, and my dad's favorite song is No Rain by Blind Melon, so I've had it in my head for a good portion of the day.
I also had a good conversation with a close friend of mine tonight that keeps playing over old memories in my head.. Also never a good thing when it comes to me... But we talked about this guy I dated for a lengthy time back a few years ago. It's got me thinking how much people can really change over a period of time...
When we had started dating, it was almost like we were made for each other. The perfect fit, like that certain pair of shoes, as my mom used to put it. But then... I don't know what happened. He changed, and I changed. We weren't compatible, no matter how hard we tried... and we tried really hard. The last seven months or so of the relationship was like one big fight, that's all we did. It was like there was nothing else to do... then, when we broke up, we tried to stay as just friends... but, it seemed like that in itself didn't even work out.
Now we don't talk at all. Well, barely ever... we try to talk, usually in the summer time, and catch up on life and such. But I'm always afraid of what we'll say. What he'll say, etc. He's in this thing called Masters Commission (dont get me started... please. lol), and I'm always fearful whenever they are doing some event that I'm at that he'll talk about his past, especially what went on with us. Because, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear things like "I made a mistake..." or "I loved this girl once, and it was wrong..." because, frankly, you never really forget your first love, do you? No matter how naive, stupid, etc that you were... you still never forget, and you never get over who that person was when the relationship was at it's prime.
My roommate said something about it a few months ago, concerning my major lull in my love life I've had in the past year. She said it was because I was hurt so many times, unintentionally, by each guy I've been with (no matter how much I think that I've let go emotionally, and whatnot), that I can't bring myself to try because I really don't want to get hurt anymore. And that it all starts with him... and it's not that I've ever been broken up with. Actually, I've had more than my fair share of relationships, and I've never been dumped. Not once. I've just dated the wrong type of guys that manipulated and controlled, etc... so I had lost all faith in the male population (and then I read twilight... which probably did not help the guys' chances much. haha), and I didn't want to make those mistakes ever again... so I've been healing my heart, which I found out had so many holes and tears in it, one more failure would've probably completely broken me forever.
Huh. Interesting.
I wonder what it would feel like to be emotionally broken for the rest of your life, never being able to fall in love... not because you don't want to, but because you just are inable to.
That's kinda depressing. Oops.
In other news, I've become extremely obsessed with the game Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii... so if you have the game, and are looking for a new friend... let me know, and we shall exchange codes etc.
I guess I shall go for the night. I've got a chapter of writing I have been meaning to finish over the past few months, and for some odd reason, I have a strong yearning to write it now. (New Years Resolution: to not be so lazy with writing fan fiction chapters. It's not nice to my readers!!!)
<3 always
Kortni
Puddles are interesting, starting from one tiny drop and becoming this massive thing of water that gets you soaked when you step in it. The way the drop splashes is pretty interesting/impressive too. I watched a Disney special once, on one of the cartoons (I want to say Mulan or Beauty & the Beast), and they were saying how they studied the way a drop splashes into water to make the drawings in the movie more realistic (pretty sure that was Mulan now...)
You have to admit, that looks pretty awesome, right? (I found that randomly online, trust me. I'm not that cool).
I guess I'm just feeling a bit pensive right now, thinking about raindrops and whatnot. We were playing Guitar Hero earlier, and my dad's favorite song is No Rain by Blind Melon, so I've had it in my head for a good portion of the day.
I also had a good conversation with a close friend of mine tonight that keeps playing over old memories in my head.. Also never a good thing when it comes to me... But we talked about this guy I dated for a lengthy time back a few years ago. It's got me thinking how much people can really change over a period of time...
When we had started dating, it was almost like we were made for each other. The perfect fit, like that certain pair of shoes, as my mom used to put it. But then... I don't know what happened. He changed, and I changed. We weren't compatible, no matter how hard we tried... and we tried really hard. The last seven months or so of the relationship was like one big fight, that's all we did. It was like there was nothing else to do... then, when we broke up, we tried to stay as just friends... but, it seemed like that in itself didn't even work out.
Now we don't talk at all. Well, barely ever... we try to talk, usually in the summer time, and catch up on life and such. But I'm always afraid of what we'll say. What he'll say, etc. He's in this thing called Masters Commission (dont get me started... please. lol), and I'm always fearful whenever they are doing some event that I'm at that he'll talk about his past, especially what went on with us. Because, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear things like "I made a mistake..." or "I loved this girl once, and it was wrong..." because, frankly, you never really forget your first love, do you? No matter how naive, stupid, etc that you were... you still never forget, and you never get over who that person was when the relationship was at it's prime.
My roommate said something about it a few months ago, concerning my major lull in my love life I've had in the past year. She said it was because I was hurt so many times, unintentionally, by each guy I've been with (no matter how much I think that I've let go emotionally, and whatnot), that I can't bring myself to try because I really don't want to get hurt anymore. And that it all starts with him... and it's not that I've ever been broken up with. Actually, I've had more than my fair share of relationships, and I've never been dumped. Not once. I've just dated the wrong type of guys that manipulated and controlled, etc... so I had lost all faith in the male population (and then I read twilight... which probably did not help the guys' chances much. haha), and I didn't want to make those mistakes ever again... so I've been healing my heart, which I found out had so many holes and tears in it, one more failure would've probably completely broken me forever.
Huh. Interesting.
I wonder what it would feel like to be emotionally broken for the rest of your life, never being able to fall in love... not because you don't want to, but because you just are inable to.
That's kinda depressing. Oops.
In other news, I've become extremely obsessed with the game Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii... so if you have the game, and are looking for a new friend... let me know, and we shall exchange codes etc.
I guess I shall go for the night. I've got a chapter of writing I have been meaning to finish over the past few months, and for some odd reason, I have a strong yearning to write it now. (New Years Resolution: to not be so lazy with writing fan fiction chapters. It's not nice to my readers!!!)
<3 always
Kortni
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